It’s been a while now since X-Box Live introduced the personalized avatar people for you to dress up and take pictures of and also a while since they offered clothes, accessories, and props you could purchase for your tiny you. At the time, I wasn’t that impressed by the idea of spending 2 dollars for a fake shirt but then they started offering adorable little N7 hoodies I could put on tiny me and it was downhill from there.
I’ve spent maybe a grand total of five dollars in the avatar market, and mostly just like to load it up every month or so to see what’s new. The latest collection I stumbled on was “Food.”
My immediate reaction was something like, “haha, cool,” thinking it would be funny to watch my little person stuff their faces, but also stupid in that the only thing a fake person needs less than clothing is actual nourishment.
Don’t worry though.
They never eat a single goddamn bite.
Let’s go through these one at a time.
A delicious, old-fashioned American food. I figured there couldn’t be much more to do with a single hamburger (no condiments or fries or anything with it) other than just eat it. How foolish I was. How ignorant and naive. My avatar snapped her fingers and a hamburger dropped into her hand. Much like I would be if that happened in real life, my avatar was surprised! And pleased! So far so good, tiny me. Now wrap your mitts around that thing and start devouring!
Instead I toss the hamburger into my other hand. And back to the first hand. I nod approvingly at it and the animation is complete.
2. Corn Dog
Again the magic corn dog falls from the sky at the snap of my fingers. I catch it and grin wildly. I toss it to the other hand, as I often do with real corn dogs and then proceed to twirl the thing like a baton, as if I am leading some junk food band on a parade route. Then I manage to burn my fake hand on the fake food and I think to myself, “Fake me is an idiot.”
3. Ice Cream Cone
This ice cream cone has three scoops of ice cream so I immediately see it going poorly. There is no way I will eat this ice cream and no way I will handle it without disaster.
I snap the fingers on the other hand this time and the ice cream appears. I’m beginning to think I have some sort of disorder where I can’t hold food in one hand for very long and am easily impressed by things. As I toss my ice cream from side to side, I can already tell that it is quite wobbly and as soon as I let it rest in one hand for a moment, the top scoop falls to the ground. My avatar shakes its head at itself. Gosh! I’m so dumb!
A box of pizza magically grows in one hand and I flip the lid open. Hovering it near my face, I take a big whiff of its aroma and then reach my other hand in for a slice. Oh no! The cheese is stretching, keeping my slice attached. Who could have foreseen such issues. Finally with the slice out, and the other hand fully occupied by a box, I can only assume this slice is destined for my mouth.
I just set it back in the box.
5. Chinese Takeaway
Who calls it that? It’s takeout, or carryout, or hell because I’m lazy…it’s usually delivery. My avatar produces a box and two chopsticks. I use them to reach into the box and produce a large shrimp which I smirk at as though it’s been out getting into trouble and you ain’t foolin’ me, shrimp. I got your number.
Next I produce something I can’t really identify. A potsticker? Is that wonton? What’s a wonton look like? At any rate, I naturally cannot hold on it, but my suddenly agile avatar catches it in the box. Phewfta!
Finally I pull out a noodle and hover it near my mouth, teasing my fake stomach with the promise of a meal finally. Then, laughing, I put it back in the box. Hahaha, just joking!
6. Fried Chicken
It’s a drumstick, to be precise. It is also apparently super hot, as I toss it around with a look of horror on my face. Finally I corral it in one hand, blow on it for a moment, then poke it with the other. It immediately recoils from the heat, even though my other hand is still grasping the drumstick firmly. I expected to sing into it like a microphone next, but I guess my avatar had had enough after getting burned by the fake food I thrust upon it.
7. Instant Noodles
First off, this cup of noodles is about the size of my avatar’s torso. I peel off the lid and reach in with my chopsticks that I suck at using because my avatar is a moron. I pull out two noodles, and immediately drop them on the ground. Then I look into the cup for more only to discover that it is empty. Two stupid noodles. If I were actually purchasing this fake food, I would feel ripped off by its tiny portions.
8. Potato Chips
These look to be Dorito-style chips, which not to be a nitpick but those are tortilla chips, not potato. I figured there wouldn’t be too much I could do with chips besides eat them and expected my avatar to perhaps just throw the bag around for a while. Instead, it attempts to open it, flinging chips everywhere in the process. The floor now covered with them, my avatar steps on one chip triangle that breaks precisely into several smaller triangles. Then laughs at it. Yeah real funny, making a huge mess. I hope you’re proud.
9. Soda Pop
It’s a two-liter of what looks to be grape soda. I grab it, shake it up, and open it, spraying it all over my fake N7 hoodie. What the hell is wrong with me. I sure hope there is a fake washing machine we can use because we need to get this hoodie in it fast before that damn stain sets.
A plate of spaghetti appears in my hand and as I smell it, I eagerly rub the area 4 inches in front of my vagina. I am either going to do horrible things to this pasta, or my avatar’s digestive system is in massive disarray.
I grab the fork and attempt to somehow get one, just a single one of those noodles in my mouth, please. After failing three times, my avatar laughs. It is a sad attempt to hide the pangs of hunger it feels and torture of being showered magically with food it can never eat.
The plate of spaghetti disappears, and my avatar’s hopes along with it.