HELLO! I am drunk and I am watching Wild Wild West so strap in because I am gonna type while I do. It’s 19something fuck, I already missed a subtitle. A metal disc is chasing a man through the woods as he rambles about stuff that will DEFINITELY come into play later. The disc cuts off the man’s head and a dude pulls it out. He is a gross looking dude.
Okay while these credits roll, let’s get into some shit. First off, this movie came out in like 1999? ish? I was working at a movie theater at the time and I got into movies free. It came out in the summer, and for some reason I had this giant crush on Kevin Kline. During the weekdsays when I didn’t work I would often have nothing better to do so I would go to the movies and see stuff multiple times. So long story short, I saw this movie FIVE times while it was out. I just LIKED IT OR SOMETHING I DON’T EVEN KNOW. I could acknowledge that it was kinda dumb but I still wanted to watch it again all the time!
Morgan, West Virginia! James West is gonna fuck this girl in a water tower. That’s kinda gross, honestly. While he’s making out with lady some dudes show up and are stealing stuff or something, I don’t even know. Will Smith, I mean James West continues to kiss the air while his ladyfriend is like “um what” and then whoops those guys knock the water tower over and James Will Smith West is standing in front of three white dudes naked. They almost call him the n-word but he punches them first!
Now we’re in bar and that gross guy from earlier is making eyes at a kinda plump saloon girl with a weird voice (IT’S KEVIN KLINE GUYS HE’S UNDERCOVER) oh back to James West, I though there was some passage of time there but I guess not. The five times I saw this was a LONG time ago. Since then, I’ve ya know…seen it a few times. Now James West is on a wagon full of explosives and the horses are goin’ crrrraaaazy. We keep going back and forth here between these two places uuuugh, this guy has a droopy eye and it’s gross and oh my god so is his ear stuff just came out of it. Dude, I am drunk and trying to eat here.
WILL SMITH ALMOST FELL OFF A CLIFF.
Oh the gross guy is Bloodbath McGrath and now the lady (KEVIN KLINE) is hypnotizing him and…someone is in a sack in the other room? A scientist? Then there’s some hijinks and shit and a MYSTERIOUS guy with a beard and a lady he calls MISS LIPPENREADER WHO CAN READ LIPS. OH YEAH THAT’S WHY I LOVE THIS MOVIE BECAUSE IT’S SO STUPID.
So all that goes down, now they are in the oval office talking to the president and oh those two guys do not get along! Kevin Kline is so smart and Will Smith is so brash! HOW WILL THEY EVER WORK TOGETHER! Do you LOVE it because I LOVE it (but I am drunk).
Will Smith is riding his horse up alongside the train that Kevin Kline is already on. This always bugs me. He rides his horse up, jumps off the horse and then WHAT HAPPENS TO THAT HORSE? WHERE DOES THAT HORSE GO? POOR HORSIE!
On the train they argue and then decide to work together and then figure out they need to head to this costume ball in New Orleans then there’s a scene with the touching of fake boobs and then they are there!
It’s a costume ball full of white southern former slave owners so well WILL SMITH looks a little out of place but a sexy Asian is like ooooh la la. Now there’s a dude played by Kenneth Branagh and he has no legs! He is the bad guy in this movie, guys! And he’s fucking craycray! He banters with our pal James West for a bit then James thinks that some lady is Kevin Kline crossdressing but oh ho ho he is actually dressed as a lumberjack and hitting on a lady that kinda looks him dressed as a lady because he thinks that him dressed as a lady is pretty hot, honestly.
Loveless (Legless dude) is showing Earless dude a place to be tonight at sometime or something, who cares. This plot is not important at all really is it? What’s important is that some guys are about to step out of paintings and start shooting at James West and how does that even happen!? Oh and now he drummed on that lady’s boobies and they’re gonna hang him to teach him a lesson, UH GUYS HE’S NOT GONNA ACTUALLY LEARN ANYTHING IF HE’S DEAD. HE’S JUST GONNA BE DEAD.
Artemus Gordon (KEVIN) has found a sexy lady in a cage. He’s gonna get her out and then put the moves on her awwww yeah. Outside Will Smith is trying to talk his way out of this hanging. He’s not doing a very good job of it but Artemus is hopefully coming in with a save. Will Smith gets on the wagon with Artemus and Sexy Lady and they take off with no one chasing them or really even seeming to care, honestly. Oh the lady’s name is Rita. And then James West takes one of the horses, jeesh.
At the place where Loveless told those guys to be, he’s talking to that other dude. And then a big tank thing rolls in and kills all those dudes and then Loveless kills that dude and then there’s a weird RCA joke that just was like WHAT REALLY WHAT WHY DID WE DO THAT WHY.
NOW WE’RE GOING TO UTAH. The President is also in Utah. They leave sexy Rita behind but she sneaks on board anyways and the conductor is like HALF-NAKED and he lets her stay on the train. And then Gordon put a knife in James West’s shoe and apparently did other stuff too! This should be exciting. Their train is catching up with Loveless’s but his train did some goddamn trickery and is now behind theirs and his train has like a big fucking cannon on it fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
OH I STOPPED TYPING FOR A WHILE
Time for some fun! James and Gordon have metal collars on and are near a corn field and there’s a penis joke (HARD PUMPING PHALLIC OBJECT) and Loveless is taking their train and Rita. Uh oh that penis thing is gonna shoot something at them! It’s a big metal disc like from the beginning of the movie remember that? They manage to avoid the disc by jumping into a pit thing and then they start arguing and Gordon is like I AM THE MASTER OF THE MECHANICAL STUFF.
Guys seriously I love this movie and I really cannot place why. I really can’t.
Now James is eating some lizard on a stick and I kinda want to play Fallout even though I am in the middle of a movie dammit.
I stopped paying attention again but look the movie is getting intense and do you know why? Let me tell you why. GIANT. MECHANICAL. SPIDER. Also Kevin Kline is playing himself and the president right now and then they get caught by a fucking net, something I hope to NEVER have to face. I would absolutely hate to be caught in a fucking net. And then then bad guy wins! Wait shit I think there’s more movie, lemme watch more, yeah there’s more. I know there’s more guys, I said I’ve seen this movie a lot. You know what else I’ve seen a lot? Jurassic Park. And Independence Day. I have a huge crush on Jeff Goldblum too.
Okay so James West got shot but he’s okay because of that stuff Gordon put in his suit and now he’s gonna go save everyone else. IT’S TEAMWORK SORTA!
Gordon is about to get shot but Will Smith has snuck into this place dressed as a sexy lady as proof that sexy ladies can just go anywhere and get away with it. Just be totallllllllyyyy sexy. And even the sexy lady you brought along might have kind of a lesbone for you? I’m not sure what’s happening, did I mention I’ve been drinking?
Oh no his cover his blown but everyone is all unlocked so they are making a break for it and now Will Smith is asking Kev if he can make a flying machine and he’s like maaaaaaaaaaaybe and he makes a thing to go after Loveless. It’s not taking off though because it very obviously would never fly but MOVIE MAGIC IT’S FLYING THANK GOD. OH GOD ANOTHER BAD JOKE ABOUT A TRADEMARK BRACE YOURSELVES OKAY IT’S OVER.
And now explosions. I remember reading about this in history class when the crazy guy kidnapped President Grant in the giant mechanical spider and blew up a small Utah town and the day was saved by the invention of the airplane by the Artemus Gordon and his adopted brother James West wait hold on I think I’ve messed this up horribly…
They land on the spider but are immediately capture so I guess that flying wasn’t that great after at all.
Loveless throws James West like…”down below” where a bunch of dudes start beating on him but he manages to defeat them all although not before making a terrible pun. Then there’s a dude with a metal head that he punches a few times and who seems to have the upper hand on West until for some reason he just goes woosh, flashes kinda red all over and then falls out of the giant spider! I don’t know what happened to that guy!
Loveless himself decides to go down there and then suddenly instead of wheelchair he’s got four crazy leg things and he’s all stomping on Will Smith but then Artemus has that tiny gun and he shoots the leg of Loveless! Hurray!
And then there’s some fighting and Artemus and the President are trying to figure out how to drive this spider but maintaining a nice distance because they are played by the same guy and then the spider crashes. And now Loveless and West are both dangling from a cliff and West pulls a thing and they both fall but he’s the hero so he manages to grab sonething and survive. Hurray again!
Later they see Rita and they’re both like BE WITH ME but she’s like haha I’m married. That’s a good movie where no one gets the girl right? You two should just go make out with each other. They ride off into the sunset on the giant spider.
NOW WILD WILD WEST IS PLAYING. THIS SONG IS AMAZING!
I once cried while listening to Will 2K. Seriously.