Dr. Polaris’s Outfit: A Short Play

drpolaris

SCENE: Dr. Polaris has taken some people hostage, because why not.

Dr. Polaris: BOW DOWN BEFORE DR. POLARIS!!!

Hostage: Dr. Polaris?? Do you have like, ice powers or something? I don’t really get it.

Dr. Polaris: No I have magnet powers.

Hostage: Wow, I’m really not getting magnet from your whole look..it’s all blue and purple. I really would’ve guessed ice or maybe weather powers or something.

Dr. Polaris: Well I don’t have that, I have magnet powers.

Hostage 2: Yeah, I don’t get where the magnet stuff comes in either. I like the ice thing better, you should go with that.

Dr. Polaris: I DON’T HAVE ICE POWERS. I HAVE MAGNET POWERS.

Hostage: Blue and purple magnets?

Dr. Polaris: GODDAMMIT.

(Leaves, returns with picture of stereotypical horseshoe magnet on chest)

Dr. Polaris: THERE? IS THAT BETTER? YOU GETTING “MAGNET” NOW?

Hostage: Actually yeah that helps a lot.

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A BIRTHDAY IS A DOODLY DOO

This is the playlist I made in a rushed 20 minutes before my birthday party and it is my new favorite thing. I will probably put it on some sort of MUSIC website at some time or something but for now you can just peruse it. I know there’s probably several tracks here you don’t even recognize (who’s John Osebold, what’s a Dakota Smith, how is Head Like a Kite?). I assure you they are awesome and I can point you their way if you wish to know more.

 

Mannergy – “Awesome”
You Left Your Strut On -“Awesome”
Walk Like an Egyptian – The Bangles
One Week – Barenaked Ladies
Intergalactic – Beastie Boys
Just a Friend – Biz Markie
Bad Touch – Bloodhound Gang
Shakedown – Bob Seger
Don’t Touch Me (Throw Da Water On ‘Em) – Busta Rhymes
Tear da Roof Off – Busta Rhymes
Hustler’s Anthem 09 – Busta Rhymes & T-Pain
Teach Me How to Dougie – Cali Swag District
Ridin’ – Chamillionaire & Krayzie Bone
Holidae In – Chingy featuring Ludacris & Snoop Dogg
Look At Me Now (feat. Lil Wayne & Busta Rhymes) – Chris Brown
Yakety Yak – The Coasters
Gangsta’s Paradise – Coolio
Anything Goes – Cole Porter with Vince Giordano & The Nighthawks
I Wear My Sunglasses At Night – Corey Hart
Tainted Love – The Cure
To The Gas Chamber – Dakota Smith
The Picard Song – DarkMateria
Combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell – Das Racist/Wallpaper
Surrender Shepard! – DJ Harbinger
Party Up In Here – DMX
X Gon’ Ghostbust it To Ya – DMX Ghostbusters
Forgot About Dre (feat. Eminem) – Dr. Dre
Kush (feat. Snoop Dogg & Akon) – Dr. Dre
Tell Me When to Go (Featuring Keak Da Sneak) – E-40
Electric Avenue – Eddy Grant
Staggered – Ekstrak (Purgatory music)
Dance Commander – Electric Six
Danger! High Voltage – Electric Six
Gay Bar – Electric Six
Cherchez Laghost – Ghostface Killah
Back Like That (Remix) – Ghostface Killah featuring Kanye West & Ne-Yo
The Heat Is On – Glenn Frey
Gin & Juice – The Gourds
We’re Always on the Wrong Side of Sunrise (feat. Tilson) – Head Like A Kite
Your Butt Crack Smile – Head Like A Kite
The Birthday Song – Home Movies
Tipsy (Radio Mix) – J-Kwon
Everybody Gets Laid Tonight – Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter
Are You Jimmy Ray? – Jimmy Ray
HYPEfont – John Osebold
Get’n 2 Know Me – John Osebold
Big – John Osebold
Anyway You Want It – Journey
Those Minerals – Kabuto the Python
Stronger – Kanye West
Can’t Tell Me Nothing – Kanye West
Touch the Sky (Featuring Lupe Fiasco) – Kanye West
Gold Digger (feat. Jamie Foxx) – Kanye West
Power – Kanye West
SexyBack (feat. Timbaland) – Justin Timberlake
Dickhead – Kate Nash
Highway to the Danger Zone – Kenny Loggins
Flik Flok – The Kleptones
Body Jump – The Kleptones
Chess Game At The Gates Of Hell – The Kleptones
Get Low – Lil Jon & The East Side Boyz & Ying Yang Twins
Snap Yo Fingers (Featuring E40 & Sean Paul of Youngbloodz) – Lil Jon
Sexting – Ludacris
Chewabaca – Man or Astroman?
Commander Shepard – (Barbra Streisand) Mass Effect
U Can’t Touch This – MC Hammer
Brand New Key – Melanie
Safety Dance – Men Without Hats
Rodeo – Method Man
My Dick – Mickey Avalon
Hot in Herre – Nelly
Ride Wit Me – Nelly featuring City Spud
99 Red Balloons – (German) Nena
Why Do You Build Me Up – ODB
Don’t Go Breaking My Heart – ODB and Macy Gray
Turtle Power – Partners in Kryme
Sledgehammer – Peter Gabriel
1999 – Prince
Bohemian Rhapsody – Queen
Barbie Girl – Rammstein
Hungry Like The Wolf – Reel Big Fish
Down with the Sickness – Richard Cheese
Everyday I’m Hustling – Rick Ross
Shia LaBeouf – Rob Cantor
Let’s Go To The Mall – Robin Sparkles
Its Tricky – Run DMC
Kiss From A Rose – Seal
Crazy – Seal
Garbage Truck – Sex Bob-Omb
Gangsta Luv (feat. The-Dream) – Snoop Dogg
I Am A Man of Constant Sorrow – The Soggy Bottom Boys
Pocket Full Of Kryptonite – Spin Doctors
Puttin’ On The Ritz – Stray Cats
Come Sail Away – Styx
Mr.Roboto – Styx
Eye Of The Tiger – Survivor
Church – T-Pain featuring Teddy Verseti
Money In the Bank – Swizz Beatz
Scrub Close To Me – TLC & The Cure
Hey Mickey – Toni Basil
Ninja Rap (Go Ninja Go!) – Vanilla Ice
Yeah! (feat. Lil’ Jon & Ludacris) – Usher
Two Type of Bitches (featuring Pimpin Ken & Dizzee Rascal) – UGK
Everybody Have Fun Tonight – Wang Chung
Everybody Walk the Dinosaur – Was Not Was
Men In Black – Will Smith
Will 2K (Featuring K-Ci) – Will Smith
Wild Wild West (Featuring Dru Hill & Kool Mo Dee) – Will Smith
Nod Ya Head (The Remix) (Featuring Christina Vidal and Tra-Knox) – Will Smith
The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air – Will Smith
California Love – 2Pac, Roger Troutman & Dr. Dre

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I Am Drunk and Watching Wild Wild West

HELLO! I am drunk and I am watching Wild Wild West so strap in because I am gonna type while I do. It’s 19something fuck, I already missed a subtitle. A metal disc is chasing a man through the woods as he rambles about stuff that will DEFINITELY come into play later. The disc cuts off the man’s head and a dude pulls it out. He is a gross looking dude.

AND CREDITS!

Okay while these credits roll, let’s get into some shit. First off, this movie came out in like 1999? ish? I was working at a movie theater at the time and I got into movies free. It came out in the summer, and for some reason I had this giant crush on Kevin Kline. During the weekdsays when I didn’t work I would often have nothing better to do so I would go to the movies and see stuff multiple times. So long story short, I saw this movie FIVE times while it was out. I just LIKED IT OR SOMETHING I DON’T EVEN KNOW. I could acknowledge that it was kinda dumb but I still wanted to watch it again all the time!

Morgan, West Virginia! James West is gonna fuck this girl in a water tower. That’s kinda gross, honestly. While he’s making out with lady some dudes show up and are stealing stuff or something, I don’t even know. Will Smith, I mean James West continues to kiss the air while his ladyfriend is like “um what” and then whoops those guys knock the water tower over and James Will Smith West is standing in front of three white dudes naked. They almost call him the n-word but he punches them first!

Now we’re in bar and that gross guy from earlier is making eyes at a kinda plump saloon girl with a weird voice (IT’S KEVIN KLINE GUYS HE’S UNDERCOVER) oh back to James West, I though there was some passage of time there but I guess not. The five times I saw this was a LONG time ago. Since then, I’ve ya know…seen it a few times. Now James West is on a wagon full of explosives and the horses are goin’ crrrraaaazy. We keep going back and forth here between these two places uuuugh, this guy has a droopy eye and it’s gross and oh my god so is his ear stuff just came out of it. Dude, I am drunk and trying to eat here.

WILL SMITH ALMOST FELL OFF A CLIFF.

Oh the gross guy is Bloodbath McGrath and now the lady (KEVIN KLINE) is hypnotizing him and…someone is in a sack in the other room? A scientist? Then there’s some hijinks and shit and a MYSTERIOUS guy with a beard and a lady he calls MISS LIPPENREADER WHO CAN READ LIPS. OH YEAH THAT’S WHY I LOVE THIS MOVIE BECAUSE IT’S SO STUPID.

So all that goes down, now they are in the oval office talking to the president and oh those two guys do not get along! Kevin Kline is so smart and Will Smith is so brash! HOW WILL THEY EVER WORK TOGETHER! Do you LOVE it because I LOVE it (but I am drunk).

Will Smith is riding his horse up alongside the train that Kevin Kline is already on. This always bugs me. He rides his horse up, jumps off the horse and then WHAT HAPPENS TO THAT HORSE? WHERE DOES THAT HORSE GO? POOR HORSIE!

On the train they argue and then decide to work together and then figure out they need to head to this costume ball in New Orleans then there’s a scene with the touching of fake boobs and then they are there!

It’s a costume ball full of white southern former slave owners so well WILL SMITH looks a little out of place but a sexy Asian is like ooooh la la. Now there’s a dude played by Kenneth Branagh and he has no legs! He is the bad guy in this movie, guys! And he’s fucking craycray! He banters with our pal James West for a bit then James thinks that some lady is Kevin Kline crossdressing but oh ho ho he is actually dressed as a lumberjack and hitting on a lady that kinda looks him dressed as a lady because he thinks that him dressed as a lady is pretty hot, honestly.

Loveless (Legless dude) is showing Earless dude a place to be tonight at sometime or something, who cares. This plot is not important at all really is it? What’s important is that some guys are about to step out of paintings and start shooting at James West and how does that even happen!? Oh and now he drummed on that lady’s boobies and they’re gonna hang him to teach him a lesson, UH GUYS HE’S NOT GONNA ACTUALLY LEARN ANYTHING IF HE’S DEAD. HE’S JUST GONNA BE DEAD.

Artemus Gordon (KEVIN) has found a sexy lady in a cage. He’s gonna get her out and then put the moves on her awwww yeah. Outside Will Smith is trying to talk his way out of this hanging. He’s not doing a very good job of it but Artemus is hopefully coming in with a save. Will Smith gets on the wagon with Artemus and Sexy Lady and they take off with no one chasing them or really even seeming to care, honestly. Oh the lady’s name is Rita. And then James West takes one of the horses, jeesh.

At the place where Loveless told those guys to be, he’s talking to that other dude. And then a big tank thing rolls in and kills all those dudes and then Loveless kills that dude and then there’s a weird RCA joke that just was like WHAT REALLY WHAT WHY DID WE DO THAT WHY.

NOW WE’RE GOING TO UTAH. The President is also in Utah. They leave sexy Rita behind but she sneaks on board anyways and the conductor is like HALF-NAKED and he lets her stay on the train. And then Gordon put a knife in James West’s shoe and apparently did other stuff too! This should be exciting. Their train is catching up with Loveless’s but his train did some goddamn trickery and is now behind theirs and his train has like a big fucking cannon on it fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

OH I STOPPED TYPING FOR A WHILE

Time for some fun! James and Gordon have metal collars on and are near a corn field and there’s a penis joke (HARD PUMPING PHALLIC OBJECT) and Loveless is taking their train and Rita. Uh oh that penis thing is gonna shoot something at them! It’s a big metal disc like from the beginning of the movie remember that? They manage to avoid the disc by jumping into a pit thing and then they start arguing and Gordon is like I AM THE MASTER OF THE MECHANICAL STUFF.

Guys seriously I love this movie and I really cannot place why. I really can’t.

Now James is eating some lizard on a stick and I kinda want to play Fallout even though I am in the middle of a movie dammit.

I stopped paying attention again but look the movie is getting intense and do you know why? Let me tell you why. GIANT. MECHANICAL. SPIDER. Also Kevin Kline is playing himself and the president right now and then they get caught by a fucking net, something I hope to NEVER have to face. I would absolutely hate to be caught in a fucking net. And then then bad guy wins! Wait shit I think there’s more movie, lemme watch more, yeah there’s more. I know there’s more guys, I said I’ve seen this movie a lot. You know what else I’ve seen a lot? Jurassic Park. And Independence Day. I have a huge crush on Jeff Goldblum too.

Okay so James West got shot but he’s okay because of that stuff Gordon put in his suit and now he’s gonna go save everyone else. IT’S TEAMWORK SORTA!

Gordon is about to get shot but Will Smith has snuck into this place dressed as a sexy lady as proof that sexy ladies can just go anywhere and get away with it. Just be totallllllllyyyy sexy. And even the sexy lady you brought along might have kind of a lesbone for you? I’m not sure what’s happening, did I mention I’ve been drinking?

Oh no his cover his blown but everyone is all unlocked so they are making a break for it and now Will Smith is asking Kev if he can make a flying machine and he’s like maaaaaaaaaaaybe and he makes a thing to go after Loveless. It’s not taking off though because it very obviously would never fly but MOVIE MAGIC IT’S FLYING THANK GOD. OH GOD ANOTHER BAD JOKE ABOUT A TRADEMARK BRACE YOURSELVES OKAY IT’S OVER.

And now explosions. I remember reading about this in history class when the crazy guy kidnapped President Grant in the giant mechanical spider and blew up a small Utah town and the day was saved by the invention of the airplane by the Artemus Gordon and his adopted brother James West wait hold on I think I’ve messed this up horribly…

They land on the spider but are immediately capture so I guess that flying wasn’t that great after at all.

Loveless throws James West like…”down below” where a bunch of dudes start beating on him but he manages to defeat them all although not before making a terrible pun. Then there’s a dude with a metal head that he punches a few times and who seems to have the upper hand on West until for some reason he just goes woosh, flashes kinda red all over and then falls out of the giant spider! I don’t know what happened to that guy!

Loveless himself decides to go down there and then suddenly instead of wheelchair he’s got four crazy leg things and he’s all stomping on Will Smith but then Artemus has that tiny gun and he shoots the leg of Loveless! Hurray!

And then there’s some fighting and Artemus and the President are trying to figure out how to drive this spider but maintaining a nice distance because they are played by the same guy and then the spider crashes. And now Loveless and West are both dangling from a cliff and West pulls a thing and they both fall but he’s the hero so he manages to grab sonething and survive. Hurray again!

Later they see Rita and they’re both like BE WITH ME but she’s like haha I’m married. That’s a good movie where no one gets the girl right? You two should just go make out with each other. They ride off into the sunset on the giant spider.

NOW WILD WILD WEST IS PLAYING. THIS SONG IS AMAZING!

I once cried while listening to Will 2K. Seriously.

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JAMES VEGA DAY

It’s JAMES VEGA DAY.

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2 Become 1 (Not About Spice Girls)

I was at a grocery store a while back when I found myself in their paltry little book section and decided to check out what was available. Mostly because I like looking at things like this, as there is often a good chance you will find something weird or something you didn’t know existed and it’ll expand your life and make your day a little better. This day was no exception. I spotted a book titled “Eggsecutive Orders” and picked it up. Then saw that along the top it said “A White House Chef Mystery.”

What. What was this. What had I just found.

I opened the book and found that not only was this the story of the White House Chef trying to solve murders around the White House, but also in the back of the book were several pages of recipes. Read the book. Make the food!

I came home and did some searching and found that this was just one in a series of books all with delightfully punny titles like “State of the Onion”, “Hail to the Chef,” and “Buffalo West Wing.”

But then I found that this “murder mystery plus recipe book” didn’t stop with this series. There were TONS of them to be found on Amazon and the pun titles were abundant. Double Truffle? Prime Cut? The Main Corpse? Chopping Spree?

Spaghetti with Murder?

Needless to say, I was amazed. And I decided that I needed to cash in on this book-combining thing. There’s money to be made goddammit, and I need to be the one to make it.

So here’s four pitches for ongoing series:

Comedy Middle Ages Adventure

Lester is a failing stand-up comic from Southern California. After one particularly bad show, he goes to Medieval Times and drinks himself into a stupor where he gets kicked out. While sitting outside, a knight approaches him on horseback and tells Lester he is needed. When Lester awakes later, he finds himself transported to Europe in the Middle Ages where they discover he is not the valiant knight their traveler had been sent to retrieve, but a comic. Lester, when he’s not seeking the attention of the lovely maiden Jezabel, now works as a jester in King Arthur’s court, a job that seems simple enough but somehow for Lester always turns into a wacky adventure!

In the back of every book, enjoy several pages of fun jokes and tricks to tell your friends!

Sample titles: Joan of Lark, Komedy Knight.

The Handyman Horrors

Chad Ryan is a self-employed handyman who loves his work. What he doesn’t love is fixing someone’s sink and finding body parts in the garbage disposal! Chad’s life as a simple Mr. Fix-It is about to get a lot crazier but at least the new detective assigned to the case, Ms. Chase Bennett isn’t COMPLETELY giving him the brush-off.

In the back of every book, become your own self-made handyman with illustrated step-by-step instructions on lots of projects, like tiling a bathroom, building a table, or replacing a faucet. Plus tips on landscaping, stain removal, and much much more!

Sample titles: Rain Gutted, Jack of all Blades

Broadway Tailor Romance

Loretta works as tailor for Broadway plays in the city that never sleeps: NEW YORK. If only the drama stayed on the stage! Torn between her busy Wall Street husband Brian and the affections of lead actor Jared, Loretta often doesn’t know what to do but get drinks with her stage manager Sheila, except when that relationship too goes too far! And is Sheila sleeping with Brian as well? WHO KNOWS?

In the back of every book you’ll find patterns and designs for creating your own outfits, accessories and even lingerie!

Sample titles: Curtain Call Girl, Sexit Stage Left

Sci-Fi Thriller Rock

In the year 2244, space travel is a part of life and space music an even bigger part. Stax Reddi is the lead singer in the band ZANZ, the hottest act in the galaxy, but what his bandmates don’t know is that he’s also an undercover officer for the intergalactic peacekeeping force known as the IXO. They soon find out though, when a hit is put out on Stax’s life and he must follow a trail back through the slummiest parts of the galaxy to find who it is that wants him dead!

At the back of every book, find sheet music to play ZANZ’s hottest new songs. They might not sound exactly right on a normal non-space guitar, but you’ll still enjoy playing them.

Sample Titles: Rising Star, Bass: The Final Frontier

Let’s go publishing companies. You know where to find me.

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I AM THE NIGHT

In the past week or so, I replayed Arkham Asylum and then purchased and played through Arkham City’s main story (I’m still cleaning up a bunch of sidequests). I’ve been reading discussions of it and talking to everyone about it and they are probably a little sick of hearing me talk about it but really playing Batman is the only thing I can think about lately. One thing I hear the most from people though is how much the game makes them  want to be Batman. They want to be the ultimate badass, the ultimate detective. They want to have a cape and swoop around town and beat up 15 guys at a time no matter what weapons they might have. They want a cool car and a cool plane, and cool equipment that can do anything. They think being Batman would be awesome.

As much I love Batman, I do not agree.

And not because I think in real life you would just immediately get shot and die or anything terrible like that. But because it is exhausting to be Batman.

As I traveled from mission to mission, every thing seemed to become even more of an ordeal, with every and any villain getting involved and wanting my attention. Arkham City is group of people all yelling BATMAN! at the tops of their lungs, just hoping that they will be the person I punch next.

Returning to buildings repeatedly resulted in not just having to find one way into a building, but returning later and finding that the previous way is blocked and I need to find another way in. I was pleased to find that in Arkham City, doors were highlighted in detective mode, as I once in Arkham Asylum spent almost 15 minutes trapped in tiny room, unable to determine how I was supposed to get out because I had never thought to try THE DOOR.

I’M BATMAN WHY WOULD I USE THE DOOR.

I also cannot seem to ignore any cry for help and have a hard time picking what to do at any given time because there is so much to do. I waited a long time to do the Augmented Reality training missions because there was no one to save at the end of them. At one point, I approached a building I was going in and a phone started ringing so I answered it and raced off to answer the other one clear across town. I worked my way back to the building and then right there ANOTHER phone rang and I again answered it and ran clear across town. Then back to the building. And guess what, on the way? ANOTHER PHONE CALL.

I am constantly appalled at the trials of my bat-life. Why, why, why does this stuff keep happening to me? HOW IS THIS MY LIFE? THIS IS THE WORST NIGHT EVER.

So I don’t want to be Batman. I want a game where I get to play as Bruce Wayne.

Rich Bruce Wayne.

I’ll go to philanthropic charity events. I’ll bid on items at silent auctions. I’ll sleep with models and avoid the paparazzi.

It’ll be awesome. Because it’s awesome to be Bruce Wayne.

It’s exhausting being Batman.

But it is fun to punch guys; that’s still totally true.

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Bat-Porn ON THE INTERNET.

This is something I wrote a long time ago so maybe some of you have already read it, but if you haven’t here it is, my pride and joy:

 

Batman carefully applied his Bat-condom to his Bat-penis. He slowly inserted the Bat-penis into the woman’s vagina, and thrust rhythmically, until bringing about bat-orgasm. Batman withdrew his Bat-penis, his duty done. “Criminals are a cowardly and superstitious lot,” he stated.

‘What?’ the woman asked.

But Batman had already vanished, because someone had turned away, and it’s pretty much just an instinctual reaction now.

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Nick of Time: Once Burned

I came up with a couple characters named Nick of Time and Emma: Raptor Girl a while back and was going to write stories with them but never had much time to. Anyways, while looking for a batporn I wrote, I found an old short story with Nick and Emma and thought I would throw it up here and maybe write more about them here later. Enjoy!

 

 

“Wiiiiiitch!” the colonist shouted, as he shoved Emma to the middle of town square. Oh yeah, this time they’d gotten one for sure. She had green hair, and a magical talking box clipped to her side, plus she seemed like a know-it-all.

“EM! EMMA!” the voice shouted over and over.

“Whom did you shrink and put in that box!?”

They weren’t even going to bother with the usual burning her to see if she was a witch or not, they were going straight to the burning her to kill her.

“BURN HER!” another shouted, and the rest joined in. They marched to a large stake and tied her to it. Emma was actually getting kind of worried now, and the voice in her radio had stopped shouting.

Suddenly she heard a growl she recognized as a motorcycle and looked about anxiously, as did the colonists.

VROOOOOOM! The motorcycle came flying off a nearby building, speeding through the crowd and up to Emma.

“NICK! Thank god you’re here!”

“I am here,” he said, as he set his time watch for the year 2010, “Just in the…

Nick of Time.

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This Is….It’s Green?

Geek Girl Con was this past weekend in Seattle, and while I love cons I am always slightly rubbed the wrong way by the whole “geek girl” phenomenom. I decided to go though, and get through the only way I knew how: drunk.

In particularly, as Hangover/Drunk Shep.

It’s October though now, the outfit from PAX (the robe, little shorts, and tank top) was gonna be far too cold. I decided to try something else.

After a wild night of partying, this version of Hangover Shep has ryncol stains on the shirt, blue lipstick and glitter everywhere, a bottle of ryncol to drink still, and of course Stabby the busted omniblade.

Oh and the wild hair, aviators, and tongue that is never in my mouth what is wrong with me

After a hard night of partying, I am locked out of my house…

So away to the con I went. There I met Link and this dude with fairy wings.

I had been hitting the ryncol when someone gave me a blaster and we got our pictures taken with some Mandolorians. For the love of god, don’t give me a weapon right now!

The ryncol is half gone now…

Then I had some more rum with lunch, more at dinner and more later til I got really sleepy.

ANYWAYS IT WAS A FUN DAY.

Unfortunately it was overshadowed a bit by the fact that my beloved Stabby went missing at some point.

I love you forever Stabby.

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CAN YOU SHIP IT?

So I’m going to go into personal life just a little bit and tell you all that my current job is wicked boring. How boring? Yesterday I came in to an email telling us all we should read an article about dimensional weight in the latest issue of Parcel Magazine. Did you fall asleep during that sentence?

I was then informed that we should all “check out!” Parcel Magazine, as subscriptions to it are free! They’d pretty much have to be, wouldn’t they?

I have also spent far too long reading about zip codes and insurance policies and what you can and cannot ship through the USPS. Thankfully though, because man is crazy, it hasn’t ALL been boring. It’s time to play…

CAN. YOU. SHIP IT?!

1. BEES

Yes! You can ship 1 disease free queen bee with up to 8 worker bees! (TRY TO SHIP NINE AND WE’LL CUT YOU). In a scene right out of Wicker Man, imagine being shipped a package of bees. It would seem that most people receiving bees in the mail would be expecting them, but that’s not a required condition for sending them, so it’s not inconceivable that a person could ship a package of bees to a poor, unsuspecting, allergic-to-bees person and profoundly ruin their day.

2. Matter Emitting an Obnoxious Odor

No! If your package is smelly, you cannot mail it! There’s very little description as to what odors are considered obnoxious however. Is a musky cologne smell obnoxious? I once got a letter in high school from a boy who had practically soaked it in his aftershave, but somehow THAT wasn’t obnoxious? I need some guidelines here, USPS!

3. 3 French Hens, 2 Turtle Doves, and a Partridge in a Pear Tree

YES! You can give your true love all the things they definitely do not want for Christmas at least for the first three days. Day four is said to be reference to black birds and those you can mail too, and day five is said to actually mean ringed-neck birds like pheasants which guess what, you can mail those too, but only from April to August so Christmas is a no-go. After that, you get into the issue of sending people that are doing things, and as of me typing this, it’s still illegal to mail a person anywhere.

4. Abortion Devices

Nooooo. Anything designed, adapted, or intended for producing abortion is not permitted in the mail. I could make a lot of jokes here, but I think you can all figure out your own jokes about what this means you can’t mail.

Anyway, that’s enough of this stupid game.

Here’s another interesting fact from my day: Apparently a standard thing in most shipper’s insurance policies is that if your package is blown up by a nuclear weapon, it’s not covered.

I mentioned this fact to a coworker who said not to worry about that, because I wouldn’t have to know it ever for a caller.

Yeah no shit dude. I don’t know how to tell you this but if a nuke is dropped ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD, I am not coming to work that day.

Honestly, I’m worried my brain is going to revolt and I won’t be here tomorrow.

 

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