The First Purge

Wow, everyone. Who could’ve guessed when the original Purge movie came out all those years ago that it would grow to become such an incredible franchise? Yet my wildest dreams came true! Not just a Purge tv series, but MULTIPLE SEASONS of it.

We start episode one with a giggly older lady at an audition. Some also older white dudes answer her questions re: motivation and she starts reading the lines. She’s auditioning to be the voice of the Purge announcement. And she is crushing it. The old dudes love it. Oh wait! Oops! She said all crime “except” murder, hahaha, no no no. It’s INCLUDING murder, what a riotous gaff. Silly lady.

Now we see some weird chairs and hear the people sitting in them summoned back to work. We’re at an NFFA Surveillance Center. Makes a lot of sense really given that the government in the Purge U is basically fascist and authoritarian. We meet our first main character, Esme as she goes to monitor the Purgin’. We see a fun montage of Purge activities, and then:

2 HOURS TIL END OF PURGE

The first episode establishes the main stories we’ll be following. First is Esme at the NFFA center, next is a group of bank robbers pulling off their Purge bank heist! There’s two frat guys heading out on the frat’s traditional Purge scavenger hunt, and there’s Marcus, attacked in his home and determined to learn who is trying to Purge him.

This season we’re gonna see a lot of post-Purge activity! The Purge properties have consistently answered so many questions I have and there’s plenty of them that center around what happens outside of the Purge. The first question answered this season though, is one that had been haunting me since the beginning: what weapons are considered above “class 4” and therefore forbidden during the Purge?

Esme has an answer for me as she is monitoring the Purge and spots someone with a bomb! Bombs are still illegal during the Purge! I quickly add this to my list of “Purge Facts and Rules.” We also see someone alert us to a level 10 government official under attack and flagging it as illegal.

Esme is working with a first time Purge monitor who is horrified at seeing all the murders and stuff, but Esme explains that without the Purge, the world would be like this all the time! Well there probably wouldn’t be as many cool themed murder groups, and maybe not the cult from last season, or the carnival or the murder gauntlet… like, would there still be murder without the Purge? Sure, but the Purge gives it just so much style.

A guy near them suddenly barfs into a bucket. I’m guessing he had to watch someone do some weird Purge sex thing. [

We leave that nastiness for the frat boys. The scavenger hunt we learn is to go to some “suicide bridge” which seems so goddamn weird, like do people wait til Purge night to kill themselves too? I have to assume these are actually all murders, right? The important thing though is the group of girls that walk by in the most amazing outfits. There’s leather, chains, straps, huge spikes and saws and stuff over their crotches. It’s incredible really.

Marcus is relaxing at his house with his wife when suddenly the blast doors raise up and someone tries to shoot him. He gets the guy to chase him outside so the wife can reseal the house. Outside a car is crashed into a tree and some folks across the street have set up a sniper’s nest with a HUGE spotlight. And plenty of bullets. I am loathe to even refer to them as snipers. More like campers with automatic weapons (Not above a class 4!) Marcus hides behind the tree until another car comes and distracts them, then jumps into the car. He tries to start it and it doesn’t and the guy that tried to kill him is getting close so he makes the smart move and scrooches down.

Esme sees someone on her Purge monitor that she knows and starts freaking out a little. She also totally neglects her job and is gonna be in big trouble if she doesn’t start watching more murders soon.

The bank heisters get into the safe, but one guy, Tommy, is upset that there doesn’t seem to be more money. As they start to leave a rival group of bank robbers (called Jackals) show up to try to steal the money from them. That’s gotta be really annoying. They’ve also got the original robbers’ look out dude as a hostage. The robbers lock themselves in the teller booth and we got ourselves a standoff.

The frat guys find the suicide bridge with lots of people hung from it. I still have to assume these were murders though really. That’s what the Purge is about! They snap the pic they need and start walking back, but hear yells coming from a building. The taller dude, Ben walks over to look when his leg gets caught in a trap and he’s pulled into the building. His friend, Turner tries to help him but freaks when a dude with a GOD mask and a cattle prod shows up. GOD stabs the girl then gets all excited about this dude his trap caught. God Mask cattle prods him and he passes out…I think…?

22 MINUTES TIL END OF PURGE

Yeah it’s getting down there! So much crime, so little time!

Esme sees her friend surrounded by dudes in black. They ask her about some files? Or codes? She says she doesn’t know and is promptly murdered. Esme decides to copy the footage of said murder to a thumb drive because it is a mystery. I assume she’s not supposed to do this, but who will stop her?? WHO WATCHES THE PURGE WATCHMEN?

Marcus is cowering in the car as his Purge hunter searches for him. The dude (wearing a mask of course) is looking around the car when Marcus suddenly jumps forward and hits the horn. The spotlight swivels over and lands on his would-be-Purger and bam, the campers shoot him like four times. Phew! Nice job Marcus.

5 MINUTES TIL END OF PURGE

Ben the frat guy is being forced to strip by the God Mask dude. He’s forced down to his knees. Are we about to see a Purge rape? It’s not really been a thing we see through the series, and it won’t be here either because Ben grabs the knife that was in the lady and stabs the God Mask dude. Then he stabs him a lot more times. LIKE A LOT.

The jackals are getting impatient so the robbers say they’ll throw the money out to them. Okay cool, they toss the bag out. The jackals go to check it and haha there’s a flashbang in it! (Flashbangs are also not above a class 4!) The jackals fall to the ground and robbers grab their friend and make a break for it. They get outside but Tommy is mad that they left a bag of money behind.

The sirens start going off! I also get more answers here. The Purge stops at the END of the siren, which lasts for 30 seconds. When it starts going off y’all gotta wrap shit up.

Tommy insists he can make it and runs in to get the last bag. He emerges from the bank just as the siren ends, insisting he made it out in time, but his crew disagrees. You ain’t coming with us. YOU DID CRIME.

At the NFFA center we see the bank heist get subjected to an NFL style Booth Review. Esme comes to a monitor and uses slow-mo to watch Tommy’s bank exit. Zoom. Enhance. One foot in the bank, oh no! The ruling on the field is confirmed: There is a crime.

Ben, after all the stabbing and sirens, pulls off the mask of his attacker and it’s…his friend Turner? I am genuinely confused. Ben also seems confused. I agree with him wholeheartedly. How did this happen? Will Turner turn out to be a twin? A robot? A CLONE PERHAPS? I got nine more episodes and I better get some answers.

Marcus goes back to his wife then comes out to unmask his Purger, only to find the body gone. He…DID appear to have a bullet proof vest on. Marcus does find an abandoned phone though and by simply pushing the home button repeatedly, he scrolls through multiple pictures this person had taken of him. Is this an app that automatically shows the most relevant thing to the person looking at your phone? It doesn’t seem like a great idea.

Anyways.

364 DAYS TIL NEXT PURGE

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