My Fantasy is On the Moon

A few years ago, I started listening to rap music more and more often. It started with a lingering affection for the song “Rollout” by Ludacris, and blossomed slowly into money spent on Wu-Tang, Busta Rhymes, Ghostface, and more.  And while my rap collection has been ever-expanding, the original love of Ludacris has always remained.

A constant favorite is the song, “What’s Your Fantasy” featuring Shawna. Ludacris throws down some, let’s call them, mad raps, and the song is always fun to listen to. The problems arise when I listen to it too closely and begin thinking about the actual scenarios he describes in the song.

The first fantasy he suggests, right out the gate, is the proposal of doing it on the fifty yard line at the Georgia Dome while the Atlanta Falcons kick a field goal. Two lines into the first verse and my mind is completely wrapped up in this one idea, unable to listen to the entire rest of the verse as I sort out my feelings towards this idea. I’m impressed at the idea and the gall needed to suggest doing it on a football field in the middle of a game. At the same time, field goals are usually the third most boring part of a game (after extra points and punts). If you’re describing a fantasy scenario, why not do it in the end zone while they score a touchdown? It would make for the most applause, and more points for your team.

Tactically, I’m intrigued at how one gets onto a football field in the middle of a game and begins to fornicate without quickly attracting the attention of security. Then again, tactfulness arises as an issue in almost every fantasy Ludacris goes on to describe, so I don’t fret over it too much.

My last concern with this football field sex is if the kick were to be blocked and returned the other way. How terrifying is it to be in the throes of passion and suddenly look up to see twenty-two two hundred plus pound men rumbling towards you?

After missing the rest of that verse, Ludacris next suggests doing it in the bathtub with a candle lit. It sounds surprisingly romantic. Thankfully his next suggestion is to do it on the stage at one of his concerts, which has naturally sold out. There is an implication in the lyrics that if the concert weren’t sold out, he would prefer to check to one of the other fantasies for the moment, and give the concert thing another go later.

His next idea is to do it at the library on top of the books, but cautions the listener that you cannot be too loud in this scenario. It’s okay though, I think making a large pile of books will have already attracted enough of the outside attention that seems necessary for a Ludacris love session.

He proposes doing it at the White House, which brings up even more security issues than the football field idea. Unless Ludacris is supposed to be the president in this situation. It’s hard to tell what his exact idea is here.

His last three methods are Dracula, Horseback, and School Teacher.

The Holy Trinity of Ludacris sex.

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