Ok watch this commercial. Watch it.
Spike TV was doing a marathon of Star Wars movies. This marathon started with Phantom Menace and ended at Empire Strikes Back. I watched almost all of it because I lack drive, ambition, self-worth, etc. This marathon also included commercial breaks that hovered around the 10 minute mark, and apparently these Cloud Pillow fuckers paid for a lot of them. After watching this commercial something around 4 times an hour for an entire day, I had developed some hmmm…opinions on it.
First off, this is an asian pillow, and you can tell because the lady using it is so asian she is even sleeping in a kimono or something. The lesson here is that if you are gonna be asian, you need to really own that shit.
Then they say that most pillows are shaped like bricks. If by a brick, you mean a rectangle. I’m sure I can think of some things that are rectangular but pleasant. Pillows for example. Beds. Don’t just lump pillows and bricks together. Also your pillow is still pretty brick looking, I gotta say.
Then there’s this um, experiment. It’s been a while since I attended any sort of school but I feel fairly certain that one of the core concepts in science class was that when you performing an experiment, you do it with the purpose of setting out to prove something. You have a hypothesis. You have a control group. You don’t just fill tubes with crap and start smashing eggs.
The announcer rattles off very quickly that the average human head weighs 10 pounds, and is perfectly represented here by a 10 lb weight, which we will drop in these tubes filled with various pillow fillings, with eggs on the bottom. Brown eggs, so you can see them against the pillow fillings. Oh my god.
Aside from the weight, it’s hard to figure out what is supposed to represent what in this scenario. The pillow fillings are different pillows, but I don’t sleep on a tube shaped pillow and I don’t slam my head onto my pillow that hard. Then there’s eggs. What are they doing there at all? Could I prove any point I want by making a two minute commercial and smashing a bunch of eggs? There’s something to try.
I found a website that um, reviewed the pillow:
but it seems to mostly just be an ad for the pillow. One line did catch my eye though:
“Second, the buckwheat husks do not get warm, leaving the pillow cool and comfortable all night.”
Buckwheat husks do not get warm? What? Are they magic?
They also drop a bowling ball on the pillow to show how it retains its shape. Again the weight meant to represent a person’s head is dropped from a substantial height. I swear these guys got some sort of commercial making kit. It came with eggs, weights, bowling balls, tubes, and people who could pretend to be unsatisfied with their current way of life. I almost expected the next claim to be how great the pillow is at cleaning up spills.
I also was weirded out more and more each time I watched it, how casually they mention how much a head weighs.
Hold on, hold on.
I am okay with science knowing things like this, but I can’t help but wonder things about that number. How old is that data? People are, as species, getting larger. Do they update the weight of human heads every 10 years, like the census? If that data is substantially old, is it out of date? Are heads much heavier now? How much neck is included here? I think the pillow people need to include a bit of neck weight if that number is not counting any neck.
In conclusion these pillow people should give me some money if any of you buy one.
I gotta eat, dammit.