Owls Well That Ends Well

I am sitting on the couch. The TV is on, and I am using my laptop to poke around on Netflix for a movie to watch. Goddammit, none of these movies are what I want, what the hell. This is taking forever and in the meantime, the movie Legends of the Guardians comes on. This is a movie from sometime last year, and it is about owls. I tried not to pay attention at first, clinging every so desperately to my desire to find something on Netflix arrrrgh but alas the shit going down with these owls was too goddamn crazy for me to ignore any longer. Suffice to say, I spent the next 90-ish minutes staring confusedly at my television.

The movie is about a young owl named Soren. His brother is named Kludd and they have a little sister too, but her name was something huge. They can’t fly yet, but are close to learning. They live with their parents and a snake. I don’t know. Also all the owls have kind of…Australian accents or something, so half of the names I wasn’t sure what they were saying. They would yell Kludd and I would think, “Is that owl’s name Claude? Clyde? C..lade? What the hell?” This happened with multiple owls too; it’s a good thing they were all pretty distinct looking.

The point in the movie where I finally said, okay I’m watching this was when one of the young owls hacked and gagged and finally vomited up their first owl pellet. And that owl was freaked the fuck out. What the shit is this? The whole family is super happy. Oh my god! Your first pellet! Remember the mouse you ate earlier? Here are its bones! The young owl is extra freaked out. My FIRST one?! What the shiiiiiit? I don’t want this! Give this to a middle schooler to poke through; this is horrible!

A bit later, Soren and Kludd are out getting into trouble at night when they are almost killed but seemed to be saved by two other owls. Except the two owls are just kidnapping them and taking them to work for the evil owls. They are taking young owls and making some of them into slaves and taking a few to train to be warriors. On the journey, Soren meets another tiny owl who I always just referred to in my mind as “That Tiny Owl” so…that’s what she’s called now. Soren and That Tiny Owl get shoved off to be slaves and Kludd is taken to be warrior.

Then they put all the slaves in front of the moon and make them stare it because it…turns owls into mindless owl zombies or something. I am starting to feel like an owl zombie trying to take this all in, honestly. Soren and his friend resist it and discover the evil owls’ plan to use some weird metal to make some weird force field that affects an owl’s gizzard. NO I DON’T KNOW STOP ASKING ME.

One of the evil owls turns out to secretly be good and helps Soren and That Tiny Owl escape but Kludd is all “I LIKE IT HERE THEY GIVE ME CANDY BARS AND APPRECIATE ME.” You know, that typical bullshit from that type of character where it’s like, my god, what is wrong with you and your whole entitlement/self-pity/resentment schtick, ugh. So Soren and That Tiny Owl leave and meet a couple other owls and that snake and go to find some GUARDIAN OWLS.

By this point, I think my brain is turning into an owl pellet.

The Guardian owls send a scout team to check out the reports of these evil owls, and in the meantime start training Soren in all the abilities of these owls! Fighting! Flying! Blacksmithing!

Wait, blacksmithing?

Yes, the owls are somehow starting fires and being blacksmiths and making helmets and metal claws to wear over their talons to fight with and what the hell. Owls shouldn’t be starting fires! At one point, an owl is stirring up his blacksmithin’ pit and he’s like “FIRE IS THE LIFE OF THE TREE!” No! What? No! That is…I can’t imagine how that could be right, ever!

They also have paper where they write stuff in weird owl language. I couldn’t help but wonder how deep this owl stuff went. Are there owl paper mills? Owl lumberjacks? Will owl society continue to evolve? Will they discover electricty? Invent the microchip? Will owls in cleansuits build little owl circuitboards? I NEED A SEQUEL! I NEED ANSWERS!

Anyway, as can be expected, shit goes down in a big battle and Soren is the best owl. These owl fights were crazy intense though. It’s a Zack Snyder movie so…imagine stuff that happens in his movies…but now it’s owls. They were slow motion crashing in midair as their slow motion metal talons collided and sent sparks flying everywhere. Owls were swooping in on other owls and making a slicing motion at the off-screen owl, the implication being that a throat had been slashed or a head removed. I was kinda freaking out at these owls a bit. I swear I saw an owl snap the neck of another (off-screen) owl and man you really gotta crank the head around to get that pop.

Soren had a final fight with this idiot brother where his brother is almost going to die, hanging from a branch, wing broken and a forest fire below (presumably started by some owls). He begs Soren to pull him up which Soren does, but it was all “The Owl King” and Kludd in one last idiot move to try to kill his brother manages to slip himself and fall into the flames. Good job, dude.

Soren runs back to fight the head evil owl and ends up stabbing him through the chest with a flaming stick. Everyone runs over like he did an awesome job, but he looks like he’s got freakin’ owl PTSD and he’s gonna go back to the tree and drink every night for the rest of his life.

What a happy ending!

No it was happy, there was like a party and shit.

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