So I’m going to go into personal life just a little bit and tell you all that my current job is wicked boring. How boring? Yesterday I came in to an email telling us all we should read an article about dimensional weight in the latest issue of Parcel Magazine. Did you fall asleep during that sentence?

I was then informed that we should all “check out!” Parcel Magazine, as subscriptions to it are free! They’d pretty much have to be, wouldn’t they?

I have also spent far too long reading about zip codes and insurance policies and what you can and cannot ship through the USPS. Thankfully though, because man is crazy, it hasn’t ALL been boring. It’s time to play…



Yes! You can ship 1 disease free queen bee with up to 8 worker bees! (TRY TO SHIP NINE AND WE’LL CUT YOU). In a scene right out of Wicker Man, imagine being shipped a package of bees. It would seem that most people receiving bees in the mail would be expecting them, but that’s not a required condition for sending them, so it’s not inconceivable that a person could ship a package of bees to a poor, unsuspecting, allergic-to-bees person and profoundly ruin their day.

2. Matter Emitting an Obnoxious Odor

No! If your package is smelly, you cannot mail it! There’s very little description as to what odors are considered obnoxious however. Is a musky cologne smell obnoxious? I once got a letter in high school from a boy who had practically soaked it in his aftershave, but somehow THAT wasn’t obnoxious? I need some guidelines here, USPS!

3. 3 French Hens, 2 Turtle Doves, and a Partridge in a Pear Tree

YES! You can give your true love all the things they definitely do not want for Christmas at least for the first three days. Day four is said to be reference to black birds and those you can mail too, and day five is said to actually mean ringed-neck birds like pheasants which guess what, you can mail those too, but only from April to August so Christmas is a no-go. After that, you get into the issue of sending people that are doing things, and as of me typing this, it’s still illegal to mail a person anywhere.

4. Abortion Devices

Nooooo. Anything designed, adapted, or intended for producing abortion is not permitted in the mail. I could make a lot of jokes here, but I think you can all figure out your own jokes about what this means you can’t mail.

Anyway, that’s enough of this stupid game.

Here’s another interesting fact from my day: Apparently a standard thing in most shipper’s insurance policies is that if your package is blown up by a nuclear weapon, it’s not covered.

I mentioned this fact to a coworker who said not to worry about that, because I wouldn’t have to know it ever for a caller.

Yeah no shit dude. I don’t know how to tell you this but if a nuke is dropped ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD, I am not coming to work that day.

Honestly, I’m worried my brain is going to revolt and I won’t be here tomorrow.


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